In came a smiling and apparently happy girl who goes to junior high school.
The impression she made was one of optimism. She sat on a chair across from me. Her eyes met mine, and tears welled up inside me. Through a veil of tears I saw that her eyes told a completely different story than the first impression she gave. All I could see was a child who was about to give up and who felt hopelessly worn out.
She saw my reaction and my tearful face, and her smile disappeared. At last there was someone who could really see her, take her as she is, and understand her. She felt safe, and began to share about her life. About how the feeling of helplessness was the result of many painful incidents.
Even as a young child she had to learn to satisfy others, or the consequences were brutal. Fear of saying something wrong or doing something wrong became greater and greater, since a small child cannot understand what behavior is desired. This is something children need to learn in a good way, and not from parents who don’t understand that children need something different than adults. Children need love, but then the parents must have learned something about love in order to pass it on. Punishment is not love, quite the contrary, and it is obvious that the word punishment refers only to actions, not love.
She continued to tell her story, in a whisper. Tears flowed freely over her cheeks and her chin, and she wiped them away with her sleeve. “I just wanted to help and be kind, but it was always misunderstood and wrong. I asked God for help too, but he never came.” She paused… “Instead I was sent away to get help, but I did not receive help. It was rather abuse of a child, I know that. There was nowhere to get help and that’s why I’m hopelessly worn out. I’m about to give up, but I don’t even know how to do that because I’ve learned to help others but not myself.” I recognized her feelings – painful and hurting.
What does it take to prevent stories like this from happening?
We must take emotions seriously and we must learn new ways to cope with them. All too many people don’t understand that we go around like ticking bombs when our emotions are brushed off. If we brush them off and don’t process them, they will finally explode. When that happens, the explosion can be forceful and be directed towards anyone. This unfortunately often affects innocent people who are close by.
Feelings like satisfaction, happiness or falling in love are good emotions that we would like to have more of. But here I’m talking about emotions that we don’t want. Feelings of grumpiness, irritation, dejection or sadness are emotions we must take seriously and not just brush off. It’s easy to point a finger of blame towards others who have said or done something that gets us to feel that way. The emotions are always within the one who is reacting, and this is where we must gain new understanding about emotions that take over – they arise from our subconscious mind without us understanding that. Bullying, violence and other negative actions that occur in society and our world are the result of emotions that have not been processed.
Some may reject this outright, but take time to think about what I am writing here before you automatically react with a judgement you have learned. Many people say that they understand, but unfortunately only until they themselves are overcome by an emotion that is impossible to control. It comes rapidly and automatically, and our common sense gets lost while we are experiencing the emotion.
Perhaps you’ve seen others that you feel lack good behavior? That’s what happens when emotions are allowed to take over and are not processed. It happens to all of us, regardless of gender or age. Many men tell me that they don’t remain stuck in their emotions, they just brush them off. That’s what I did in my life too, since at that time I didn’t know that emotions nonetheless accumulated in my subconscious and finally exploded.
People react differently when we talk about emotions, and many believe we must be allowed to feel and react. Yes, as long as it doesn’t torment others! We must create new understanding about what emotions are, where they come from and how we can cope with them. We haven’t learned much about that in school, and it’s about time we get a subject in schools where we learn about emotions and how we can cope with and process them so that we don’t go around with stockpiled emotions. If we don’t take emotions seriously, they will someday appear in one form or another such as illness, anger, frustration or violence.
If a person has a history like this girl, can they change it?
This is one of the most fascinating aspects of the resources we have in our brains. We can change our stories, and good emotions will help us to create new neural pathways in our brain. It is feelings that change both our stories and our future life.
I have a similar history that has been changed. The basic course in DB-System™ have the techniques and training of the brain that I use myself, and that I humbly see others use to change their stories and their emotions. You have the resources needed to change, take control of and cope with emotions from within, where they reside. We develop our brains continually, and we can create the changes we want.
One fine day the ticking bomb can be disarmed, and then we will see more peaceful interaction between humans. You and I decide if we want to participate in this development. Unlike the young girl, we will be able to help ourselves. That is a prerequisite before we can help others in the long run.
Deborah Borgen
Founder
